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Question from a Listener: With Some Men the Way They Are, Why Do You Do This?

May 20, 2016 39 comments

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  • question

I received this thoughtful question from a listener:

You talked at one point about how despite all of the wrong you've witnessed men do you still passionately love men. And even now you talk about how a large amount of the men who listen to your work can be aggressive or immature. And yet you still do this for us. Why?

And so here is my answer.

That's a really good question, I'm glad you asked. There are a few reasons I do this - firstly, I'm a bit of a natural performer, and I really enjoy doing voice work. I'm also a writer, so this taps into my creative side. I wanted to explore more of my own sexuality when I first started, so this seemed like, and still is, a great way to do that.

But as for the deeper issues, I see great men around me all the time, men who quietly go about their lives being decent human beings. Men who try very hard to please women, or at least not offend or hurt them. Men who are very lustful and horny for women, but who still manage to rein that in and be respectful and caring and treat women as equals. While this isn't true for all men, certainly, I think it's true for the majority. And it really pains me to see so many men vilified and abused by our culture, essentially for just being attracted to women.

I don't believe there's a patriarchy, I don't believe that men are the cause of all the world's problems, and I'm really surprised that anyone truly thinks this. Men and women are responsible for all the good and bad in the world, it's pretty immature and naive to lay all the blame for something on one sex, one religion, one race, etc. This just isn't how life works.

So I want to take my attraction for and love of good men and reward them - basically what I do is a kind of fangirl thing for all the men I've ever had butterflies over. And for men in general, whom I tend to view in a generally positive way.

One last thing - I believe what I do indirectly helps women too. One very common, sad thing I see is this scenario: a guy sees a girl he finds attractive, and immediately his lust kicks up and he starts to desire her. Fine so far.

But then he meets this woman, or finds a way to get to know her, and as it happens, he discovers that he doesn't actually like her personality. Maybe he thinks she's unintelligent, or shallow, or immature, or whatever a person might be. Traits that, if they existed within another guy, or a work colleague or family member, would make the man avoid that person. But because this personality is housed within a hot female body, the man can't seem to make that break. He can't walk away, and say 'no matter how hot she is, I just don't like her.' He continues to pursue her anyway, and here's where the real problem starts.

He is driven purely by physical lust at this point, and part of his mind hates this. There’s a conflict between his lust and his heart, so to speak - he wishes he could meet a girl he likes and respects and wants to have sex with, but in the absence of the former, he still finds himself compelled to pursue the girl that turns him on physically. Like that Seinfeld episode, where Jerry meets a hot girl with whom he has crazy hot sex but whom he loathes personally. His brain and his penis have a chess game over it, and he begs Kramer to tear up her number so he can’t call her. I think this sort of thing happens to guys all the time - they really don’t like or respect the girl that turns them on, and yet they don’t have the strength or even desire to walk away.

What ends up happening, I believe (and this is just my opinion, remember) is that guys in this situation have to find some way to reconcile their behaviour with their own morals or judgement. They separate their lust for a woman from their respect for her. They keep her at arms’ length, and put her in a separate category from everyone else. They begin to see sexy women as somehow bad, or stupid, or deserving of disrespect, just for being sexy. This is where the idea of ’stupid slut’ and ’whore’ and ’bitch’ come from, which are pretty much the worst insults that people fling at women. And this is where the idea of the Madonna and the Whore, or rather the good girl you marry and the bad girl you fuck comes from.

This allows guys to treat such women with disdain, even while still lusting for them. This is what lets guys try to trick women into sex, or lie to them, or even spike their drinks or rape them. This is what allows them to hate the women they want to fuck, basically. It’s sort of a compromise they make with themselves, and it carries over into every woman they ever meet. Including girlfriends and wives, whom some guys don’t actually truly love, like or respect, but whom they tolerate because of the sex. They don’t expect to like a sexy woman, they expect girlfriends to be drama and high maintenance and a pain in the ass, because she’s sexy.

At it’s very worst, it’s what makes women disposable, good for only one thing, nameless and faceless. Essentially body parts to fuck. And something you hate yourself for indulging in after it’s over.

So what I aim to do is challenge the notion that you can’t like, respect or love a sexual woman. I want men to see a sexual woman who is also intelligent, nice, funny and basically worthy of your respect. I want to get rid of the notion that a woman is either someone you love and marry and have kids with or someone you fuck. I want to banish this dichotomy altogether. I want men to develop the strength to say ”Okay, this hot girl is someone I really dislike, so I’m going to walk away. I’m going to wait until I find someone who is the whole package for me.”

I want men to see sexy women in a new light - not as disposable sluts, but as people just as they are, people who are sometimes very horny and sexual just like men are, but who are so much more that. I think it would go a long way towards ending sex shame and slut-shaming, and let women just be human beings. And anything that brings men and women together to like, love, respect and enjoy each other is all good as far as I’m concerned :)

PS - I was thinking of recording this as a cock worship audio - saying all this while sucking a cock, just to slam the point home :P


Comments

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  • lonewarrior on 2019-02-10 09:40:55 (UTC) (edited)

    Damn miss Eve, the more you speak in real life (apart from your content), my respect for you increases. You ARE a goddess indeed. Sexy, brainy, wise and kind, just like a perfect goddess. Love you..... YOUR HIGHNESS.

    • A Eve on 2019-02-11 09:58:28 (UTC)

      Aww, that’s very sweet! I am just a regular person though! I hope you enjoy the rest of the site 💋

  • FreeBird on 2017-10-06 11:39:20 (UTC)

    Simply GREAT !!!

    • A Eve on 2017-10-07 20:18:11 (UTC)

      Thank you! 💋

  • daneofthesky on 2017-09-29 23:34:44 (UTC)

    I want to say I don't like to read much but I found this interesting. Although there's things I would like to say on your points it's just thing that i don't think are prudent so I digress but thank you for all of your hard work and for what it's worth I appreciate all you do

    • A Eve on 2017-10-01 18:52:59 (UTC)

      Thank you very much 💋

  • williamthetrue99 on 2017-07-02 23:21:02 (UTC) (edited)

    Oh my heart, thank you for sharing these thoughts. One of the myriad reasons I did not last in a PhD level graduate program in literature is that I just could not debate always with all the "isms," including feminism. I never villified these schools of thought as enemies, I simply secretly yearned to share my views with calm and care, and yet I increasingly felt my increasingly secret-self was cast in that role of villain by these schools. Am I the evil "scopophiliac" who with his "male gaze" entirely objectifies women because he simply finds a woman's body beautiful TOO? "No!" I wanted to cry. "I'm a good man, and a sensual man, and I don't think those two parts of me are as entirely separate as some of you might aver." So your post prompted me to rethink that experience, and to realize more that there are intelligent and sexy women "out there" that find a man's desire sexy and not necessarily an ideological crime. Other thoughts and feelings stir too. I'll quietly revisit this post from time to time, I think; absorb its (your) wisdom more. Thank you <3

    • A Eve on 2017-07-03 08:49:34 (UTC)

      Thank you so much, I'm so glad to have reached someone like you. It really saddens me that so many good men are bashed and shamed and marginalized - even to the point of saying it's impossible to be sexist towards men, or discriminatory, etc - and that our society is just letting it happen.

      I fully believe that there's absolutely nothing wrong with responding to a woman's beauty and sexuality, I think it's a fundamental, wonderful part of a straight man's nature and something that should be appreciated, the same way we support 'sex positivity' in women who openly lust for men.

  • Kallistei on 2016-11-03 01:03:21 (UTC)

    I admire your clarity and sincerity. It's rare and nice to see someone who can simultaneously see and articulate these things, while seemingly not being disenchanted by the whole state of affairs.

    The guy in your example, he sounds like someone who is sexually attracted towards the idea of having sex, instead of towards the person he's having sex with. This would be why he feels the woman on the receiving end of his lust is pretty much interchangeable, along with her personality.

    That's not to say he shouldn't enjoy sex, or want sex, or look for sex. Sex is pretty awesome, problem is when insincerity arises because now he's sexually desperate, by which I mean he can no longer appreciate anything unique or true about a woman because all he sees is an opportunity. On a simpler level, he's looking at her the way a small child looks at a chocolate bar of ungodly proportions. And any way she makes that difficult for him, even just by having an incompatible personality, is going to kick off a tantrum.

    On a more pleasant note, I hear voices as colours: yours makes rippling purple fractals, each interacting and reacting with one another, with effervescent sparks of pink that play across the surface when you laugh. It's lovely and entirely unique, plus the content of what you say has a tangible sharpness to it. I think they broke the mould when they made you.

    • A Eve on 2016-11-03 12:23:23 (UTC)

      Aww, that's so lovely, thank you this. So beautifully put and very astute ❤️

  • SensualSpirit on 2016-10-02 02:06:20 (UTC)

    Eve, this is such an insightful and beautiful answer. Thank you for your understanding acceptance of men, and your nurturing of caring and respectful male sexuality.

    I’d like to add that the best way for a man to learn to like, respect or love a sexual woman is to learn to like, respect and love his sexual self. Then it becomes possible to exist with his lust and horniness in a relaxed and loving way without needing self-control to rein it in. Your audios are a blessing to any man who is searching for this acceptance for himself, and a blessing to women if they find it.

    • A Eve on 2016-10-02 13:44:46 (UTC)

      That's wonderful, thank you. I completely agree - I think men and women are apart more than we are together but it's so unneccessary ❤️

  • NerdyNick on 2016-06-29 20:35:16 (UTC) (edited)

    Eve, I'm aware this is just your opinion, but it kind of sounds like a huge sweeping generalization of men who might be in the scenario you described. I don't speak for men in this scenario, but I don't think if a man is having sex with a woman that he has no romantic or intellectual etc. interest in, that it he somehow going to grow this disdain and disrespect for all attractive women or women in general. I also don't think it leads men to basically become rapists as you some what implied. I love you Eve, but I have to disagree with you on this one, it just seems like a massive generalization.

    • Zanarkand on 2016-08-05 16:49:07 (UTC)

      As a man who's seen a lot of his own friends go down that very same path, I've actually gotta agree with Eve. Her reasoning is sound.

      If men want women that are both sexy and intelligent, they should first look at themselves and make themselves someone that they know a woman would desire. That being a man who honestly pursues his ambitions, finds his centre and is confident in himself without being overly aggressive or disrespectful. You just need discipline, self control and passion. It's that simple.

      • A Eve on 2016-08-06 21:00:33 (UTC)

        Thank you very much, I love the way you put that. That's exactly what I think of when I think of "good men", and I believe there millions if not billions of good men out there. ❤️

    • A Eve on 2016-06-30 13:54:50 (UTC)

      Well, as I said, this is just what I think. I'm aware it can be a big generalization and that this doesn't apply in all cases. It's just some food for thought.

  • 3DBen on 2016-05-27 16:25:37 (UTC)

    I created an account just to comment on this. First I want to commend you for upholding a positive perspective for men when it is not popular to do so. It’s very frustrating to see popular media corrupting the idea of what a man is expected to be. Second, I thank you for sharing your positive outlook on sexuality. Humanity struggles greatly with balancing this primal drive. I wish religions (including my own) were more capable of discussing sexuality as a gift from God; there is much healing that could come and hurt that could be avoided if we could better understand and accept this part of ourselves.

    • A Eve on 2016-05-28 17:48:59 (UTC)

      Thank you Ben, I appreciate it. I agree, we need some serious discussion as to where sex shame came from and how we can stop it. It's such a toxic thing.

    • Fysh on 2016-05-25 10:18:00 (UTC)

      I read several of your comments before they were deleted. It's a shame you feel the need to try and cause offense, and it's a shame you do not have anything worthwhile to contribute to the discussion.

    • A Eve on 2016-05-25 09:56:01 (UTC) (edited)

      I welcome polite and well considered opposing viewpoints - I don't tolerate negative wall-of-text insults aimed at me and every person who commented on this thread. I will always delete unwelcome negativity on my own site.

  • NowhereMan on 2016-05-22 20:38:30 (UTC)

    Well, don't ever let anyone tell you that you can't find wisdom and profound thoughts on an erotic audio website. Eloquently stated Eve.

    • A Eve on 2016-05-23 18:25:31 (UTC)

      Aw, thank you! 💋

  • MadWithLust on 2016-05-22 17:03:03 (UTC)

    Um...first...I wouldn't say no to hearing this in a cock worship audio... :P

    Second, there's no way I could disagree with "anything that brings men and women together to like, love, respect and enjoy each other is all good as far as I’m concerned"!

    I think part of the issue is that both men and women know that men are hardwired to want sex. Women are too, but not in the same way. No matter what, a man will always, always want it. Even with a woman he can't stand, if she's attractive, he'll still want to fuck her, all the time. And it's so frustrating to know that he cannot truly overcome the hardwiring. The easiest person to blame is the woman, who he feels, is using the rules of the game against him.

    But if she's attractive AND she's "intelligent, nice, funny and basically worthy of your respect", then there's no problem! He can relax and talk to her...while he's getting ready for round 2! :P

    • A Eve on 2016-05-23 18:28:32 (UTC)

      I don't disagree, I just often think - well, aren't men 'hardwired' to beat the crap out of each other too? And haven't they overcome that urge to a large degree? I think maybe part of the problem lies in continuing to believe that we have no choice or free will over our sex drive (when truthfully we do), I think it leads to all kinds of problems.

      Thanks MWL!

  • Hoffman1 on 2016-05-21 01:37:52 (UTC)

    Don't hate me because I'm going to bring Christianity into this, but Jesus said that the second command is to love others and you love yourself What's often completely ignored in my religion are the words 'as yourself'. What I mean here is that while the words are said/read/heard, the idea of loving and respecting oneself is never broached, out of fear of promoting pride, and potential arrogance. There is also a very strong demonization within my religion of sex and of sexuality...what I'm saying is that both of these things, the lack of acknowledgement for loving one's self, as well as the demonization of sex and sexuality, (which if you want I can explain later) basically promotes self-loathing, self-hatred, and a huge amount of shame toward our sexual selves, which is what I am also wanting to take steps to end. Several pastors and leaders within the Christian community have been attempting to reverse this by saying that all of us and humans are sexual beings, and there is a book written by two authors entitled God Loves Sex, refering to the Song of Songs, which for those who are not aware, is a book that envolves a beautiful exploration of both masculine and feminine form, and also involves, regardless of how it has been twisted by legalism within Christian culture, outright sex. As one of my favorite authors says 'it is an erotic book!"

    • A Eve on 2016-05-21 23:13:40 (UTC)

      Oh I know, a lot of Christians believe strongly that healthy sexuality within marriage is part of a divine plan, so it doesn't surprise me. I think the problem has been that some religions, or even just some aspects of some religions, have been largely responsible for the sex shame we see, and until we reverse that, the effects are going to be long lasting.

    • STEVE4EVE on 2016-05-21 19:13:05 (UTC)

      Who could hate that? Well said, Hoff.

      I was curious, so I googled the Songs Of Songs. It seems to be about passionate desire, and the imagery puts it firmly where it belongs: an integral part, and expression, of Nature.

      • A Eve on 2016-05-21 23:18:48 (UTC)

        That book is really beautiful and soulful, much more so than most people would suspect about the bible

    • Fysh on 2016-05-21 08:46:28 (UTC)

      I'm not religious, but you bring an interesting perspective and I get where you are coming from.

  • Lux on 2016-05-21 01:36:12 (UTC)

    As a female (hey what's up betcha don't get girls on your website very often), I would like to say that you are so spot on. Your audios, despite me not being your target audience, are among my favorite because they're so pure and sex positive.

    • A Eve on 2016-05-21 23:14:32 (UTC)

      Thanks so much Lux, I'm so glad you enjoy my audios. I have heard from quite a few ladies who like what I do, and I really appreciate hearing from you ❤️

    • STEVE4EVE on 2016-05-21 19:23:19 (UTC)

      Good to have you here, Lux. I think more girls would listen in (and get their guys to listen, too) if the benefits of a sex- positive influence became more widely known.

      • A Eve on 2016-05-21 23:14:40 (UTC)

        here here!

  • STEVE4EVE on 2016-05-20 17:08:29 (UTC)

    "...anything that brings men and women together to like, love, respect and enjoy each other is all good..."

    Perfect! Says it all.

    Except that your audios, Eve, are not just "anything". They are beautiful works of art, marvels of engineering, deeply healing...and breathtakingly exciting!

    • A Eve on 2016-05-21 23:14:54 (UTC)

      Aw, that's just lovely Steve, thank you!

  • Fysh on 2016-05-20 12:40:46 (UTC) (edited)

    I believe the negative language, disrespect, and ill-treatment, 'some' men have for women, seeing them only as sex objects to use and discard, stems from their inherent dislike of themselves (or at least their own insecurity).

    Woody Allen once said that he wouldn't want to join any club that would accept him as a member. If you dislike yourself, how can you have any respect for someone who would actually want to fuck you? How desperate, pathetic and worthless they must be! And it's a psychological trick; you can feel better about yourself by putting someone else down (the same is true of racism and any hate crime).

    There are probably many reasons, but all that hate for women must stem from somewhere deep inside. Thankfully, most men are not like this.

    EDIT: And the bridge between our two views is power. Derogatory sexual language can be a way of controlling and manipulating. Also if a man lusts after a woman, then she has power over him (whether he can have her or not) . That can be intolerable to some men. In my opinion, that kind of intolerance/anger/almost envy of her sexuality must stem from personal insecurity of some kind ...

    But these are just my personal views...

    • A Eve on 2016-05-21 23:17:38 (UTC)

      Yes, you're certainly right about the self-loathing in some people. I do see a lot of 'angry men', who seem really pissed off that they can't have all the sex they want with any woman they want, especially in a world where women seem to be so 'slutty'. Some men take it as a personal insult - she'll do it with some guy she met in a bar, she'll make porn, etc but she won't go with me, that kind of thing. Again I think it's about forgetting the woman's basic humanity, as a thinking person who can choose her partners and not just as a sex object who is being wilful and denying him the pleasure of her body.

  • YouAreMySunshine on 2016-05-20 12:13:10 (UTC)

    This was so perfectly true. Not a single line up there that I'd want to change or modify!
    Even I find it scary that people can be so driven by their lust that all they care about is the sexual interaction!
    It's like they intentionally put on blinders for their mind to limit themselves to only kissing and caressing and fucking that particular person and how they'd like to do it. They just ignore everything else.
    It is indeed surprising how most of the people of both sexes know from the inside that they don't like the other's character but still end up forcing their relation just for the sake of sexual interactions!

    • A Eve on 2016-05-21 23:18:19 (UTC)

      Thank you! I've definitely seen it in both sexes, I think I just hear more from men about this kind of thing and so I wanted to address that part of it.