Under the Covers with Eve - Episode 24: The Rape Fantasy

23:55 Under the Covers with Eve episode 24 / 34 Feb 21, 2016 31 comments 3337 545

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This week I discuss a controversial but common type of sex fantasy, particularly among women: the rape fantasy. This is simply about the fantasy, nothing more, but if it’s something that might upset you, please don’t listen.

Here are links to some of the things I discuss in this audio.

What do Women Want? Adventures in the Science of Female Desire - I think I got the title wrong in the audio, sorry :(

Why Do Women Have Rape Fantasies?

How Common Are Rape Fantasies?

Rape fantasies gone horribly wrong

A Romance Novel writer on why she writes about rape


Other audios in Under the Covers with Eve

Comments

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  • LeaDavenport1968 on 2017-05-01 08:32:27 (UTC)

    It can never be stressed enough that discussion of forcefulness is the best way for couples to approach the idea of trying a "rape"fantasy. Thoroughly too! If you've taught me anything Eve then it is this and you have most certainly taught me a great many things. I just had no idea such a phenomena existed in women,further, the full extent of female desire in this regard. Only the very negative aspect of rape had been forefront in my mind and I just cannot say enough how I detest such behaviour in men,they completely fail to comprehend the harm they do and cannot be punished sufficiently for me! I would say only paedophillia can exceed this for me personally. To abuse the position of strength and trust that we have as males is a gross violation of boundaries in society today that every man must stand for and respect.
    I must admit that I do feel a little confused by how so many women may harbour fantasies of rape. That said the explanation which you put forward Eve has resolved much of this. It is more understandable to me now and also from the male perspective too. The reasons which you put forward earlier for not including rape fantasies here on Eraudica are perfectly understandable Eve. I think I'm very unlikely to look for these elsewhere anyhow as I just cannot be wholly comfortable of being so forceful as to be entering into rape fantasies on audios. Doubtful if I could in reality also.
    From every angle you have covered so many valuable discussion points Eve.
    Lea

    • A Eve on 2017-05-01 20:55:07 (UTC)

      Thanks Lea, I'm glad you enjoyed it ❤️

  • leytod on 2016-02-26 20:45:19 (UTC)

    This is a huge, huge social and legal issue. Thanks for making such an excellent discussion on it.

    First, a comment about the detail on your first sexual experience. That you came from that to become your present, beautiful, confident champion of sexuality is outstanding. I admire and respect you more than ever.

    "It must confuse the Hell of of men who have spent the last 50 years or so trying to learn out of sexist ways ..."

    Hell, yes.

    My prime-dating-years 20s were spent trying to be the "emotionally intelligent" man the girls kept talking about. Imagine my frustration as I did everything I could to be what I heard & read women wanted while getting rejection after rejection for dates as they continued to go for "bad boy" types. I started getting more dates after my dating frustration made me more of a jerk around women. I feel lied to.

    The first time I pushed my nice-girl girlfriend up against my car to kiss her and she ignited with hotness told me that what's said and what's true were not the same.

    Meanwhile, accusation of rape appears to be the biggest weapon a woman can use against any man, particularly an ex-lover for whom she now has sour feelings. Truthful or not, legally proven or not, a rape accusation alone is enough to ruin a man's life, forever.

    In Canada, we recently watched the trial of Jian Ghomeshi who was accused of sexual assault by women from years past, some of whom had sent him hand-written love letters and bikini photos of affection shortly after the alleged non-consent occurred. Ghomeshi stated publicly that he was into rough sex. The women seemed to like it too, at the time, but came back years later to claim that they didn't.

    This issue needs to be hauled out into the light. If women want to be wanted ... but only by men that they want, there's no shame in that. If shame of desire is what's keeping this is in the dark for women, the cover needs to be torn away. Men are speaking out against "rape culture", marching with women in take-back-the-night events and being hammered with imagery that real men carry man-purses and prefer cats. If this is all bullshit, we need to stop wasting our time on it because violent, unwanted, criminal rape is still happening by bad people while the rest of us are trying to understand what women really want.

    • A Eve on 2016-02-27 12:08:03 (UTC)

      Thanks LT - I know this is a really difficult topic to cover, I just wanted to add some thoughts that you probably don't hear too often. I know there's a full chorus of other opinions out there, loud and rude, so I figured I had to give some equal time to sanity.

      • leytod on 2016-02-28 01:53:07 (UTC)

        You do such an exquisite job handling difficult topics in your UTC series. Keep it up!

        • A Eve on 2016-02-28 13:33:14 (UTC)

          Thanks LT, I certainly will ❤️

  • IListenForTheArticles2 on 2016-02-24 20:05:44 (UTC)

    You didn't talk about scenarios where there's an unwilling male and the female is the aggressor.

    • Fysh on 2016-05-22 09:53:52 (UTC) (edited)

      I am male, and have a rape fantasy, but for me it is the other way around; I fantasise that I am the one being raped...

      For me it is about loss of control, being dominated, forced to submit, and forced all the way to orgasm while trying to resist (at least a little) ;)

      • A Eve on 2016-05-23 18:34:39 (UTC)

        I knew a gay man once who was a cop IRL, all law and order type, and he told me his fantasies involved being overtaken by a burglar in his house. I think for him it was a kind of stress release thing, a way to let down his guard. Or at least I used to think that. After having been involved with the world of erotic audio for a couple of years now, I've learned that there are no clear answers about a lot of things like this - I can just offer an opinion and a way of looking at things that people might not have considered before.

        • Fysh on 2016-05-24 08:38:06 (UTC)

          What is interesting for me, related to this topic, is that there is a part of me which wishes I had been born female. Partly I can ascribe that feeling to a desire to be desired. It's the other half of the female rape fantasy, you describe. It seems I have both parts, but somehow being male, they have become split, or maybe my true fantasy is to be female and raped - that probably sounds pretty terrible in that I seem to be ascribing the victim role to the female again, but I identify with that role so strongly, despite being a heterosexual male.

    • leytod on 2016-02-28 03:12:59 (UTC)

      A little self-promotion for a delicious performance Eve did of one of my stories.

      https://www.reddit.com/r/gonewildaudio/comments/2kip9t/f4m_the_succubusgwalloweencontest/

      • Fysh on 2016-05-22 09:54:28 (UTC) (edited)

        Looks like it's been deleted?

        • A Eve on 2016-05-23 18:32:38 (UTC)

          Here's a link to it on Soundgasm https://soundgasm.net/u/eves-garden/Succubus-Deal-with-the-Devil-on-Halloween-night

          • Fysh on 2016-05-23 20:32:51 (UTC)

            oh thank you!

            • A Eve on 2016-05-23 20:58:22 (UTC)

              haha I forgot, it's here too

              http://eraudica.com/e/eve/2015/The-Succubus-A-Hallowe-en-Tale-by-u-leytod

      • A Eve on 2016-02-28 13:32:55 (UTC)

        oh, I never considered him unwilling! He summoned me! He agreed! Come on! :P

    • A Eve on 2016-02-27 12:09:05 (UTC)

      No, there were a lot of things I couldn't cover in a half hour episode, unfortunately. I know this isn't an exhaustive discussion by any means, it was just an introduction to the subject really.

      If you check out this post on my sub, someone linked to audios by angeloftempation that deal with that.

  • SanchoPansexual on 2016-02-23 17:46:40 (UTC)

    Thank you for another lovely episode, Eve. I'm sorry to hear that your first sexual experience was a negative one. You tackling this subject is therefore all the more impressive!

    I wonder if such fantasies are more prevalent in women who live in a heterosexual relationship or are in general more attracted to the opposite sex.
    Maybe looking at gay/lesbian couples could clear up some questions as to how strongly this behavior is rooted in nature as opposed to nurture.

    • A Eve on 2016-02-24 11:24:19 (UTC)

      Thank you!

      That's a good point, I'd be very curious to know if lesbian women have similar fantasies

      • SanchoPansexual on 2016-02-25 10:31:50 (UTC)

        Now that I've thought about it, and since you have been discussing this topic so eloquently, might I suggest addressing it again from an additional vantage point in a future episode?

        Ever since certain BDSM-themed novels half been enjoying a rather stupendous success especially among women, there has been some confusion on the male side of the species as to how one should approach the subject.

        What you've expressed in this episode coincides with my experience of women "confessing" some hidden desires without necessarily possessing the eloquence to really get their point across. The lines between dominance/rough sex and rape get blurred when the communication between lovers is lacking candidness due to both of them being overly hesitant or even ashamed to admit their desires.

        I think Elvis Costello put it best in his song "Mystery Dance":

        She thought that I knew,
        and I thought that she knew,
        So both of us were willing,
        but we didn't know how to do it

        So, how about approaching the subject directly and trying to formulate desires of dominance and submission without adhering to the rule book of mainstream media?
        You have so far done some wonderful podcasts dealing with the various restraints a society can put on its people in terms of genuine sexual expression (body image, sex in the movies, etc.). You have talked about feminism and how sex-negative or even sexist comments made by feminists actually hurt their cause.

        It would now seem prudent to do what the media in general as well as many couples or people on their own are unable to accomplish: To put a positive spin on this debate and spell out the female perspective on sexual desires.
        This may certainly encourage women who are unsure of the validity of their fervors to increase their self-confidence. It may also help to ascertain that "playful reluctance" can be an effective tool in the art of female seduction but does not offer an all-encompassing definition of female sexuality.

        I remember you doing an audio where a number of women expressed their opinions on orgasms. Wouldn't it be a great opportunity to revive this format and focus on painting an honest picture of dominance/submission?

        • A Eve on 2016-02-26 10:29:52 (UTC)

          Those are some great suggestions, I'll definitely keep it in mind. Thanks!

  • Pogo on 2016-02-22 02:40:24 (UTC)

    Brilliantly controversial episode Eve ;) Really made me think about a few things and actually explained a few more. Excellent work xx

    • A Eve on 2016-02-22 10:42:47 (UTC)

      Thanks Pogo! I'm glad you liked it!

  • MadWithLust on 2016-02-22 02:13:25 (UTC)

    I think the key word in "rape fantasy" is "fantasy", not "rape". People have all kinds of fantasies about horrible things, murder, torture, violence. The cause for concern is when people try to make the fantasy reality, only to find out that the real life occurrence is nothing like the perfect world of fantasy.

    That being said, for me, the violence of rape is horribly off-putting. But like you mentioned, there is an allure to the lust aspect of it. I kind of like the cheesy softcore porno blackmail, where she is somehow coerced into it but ends up loving it (like Mickey Rourke and Kim Basinger in 9 1/2 Weeks). Even the reverse scenario is appealing (Michael Douglas and Demi Moore in Disclosure). I think the difference is that in the coercion/seduction route, it's not about the non-consent. It's about the catharsis of when the non-consent becomes consent. As a guy, it's like the moment when the guy convinces a girl to go on a date, that thrill of success. I obviously don't condone rape/blackmail/coercion in real life, but I think it has its place in fantasy.

    • A Eve on 2016-02-22 10:44:14 (UTC)

      Yes, I agree mostly. I'm still not entirely convinced that fantasy is just fantasy, but I think for the most part it is, and especially given the complexity and popularity of this one, I'd say it's a pretty 'normal' fantasy to have.

      And I agree, reluctance can be very sexy, esp when someone can be won over. My whole book is about that :D

      • MadWithLust on 2016-02-22 11:27:56 (UTC)

        I agree that the fantasy doesn't come out of nowhere. It has to come from some kind of inner desire. But I don't think women want to be raped. Like you mentioned, it's more about the "desire to be being desired" part.

        A lot of fantasies can (and should!) stay fantasies. Like being in a committed relationship but imagining sex with other partners. Or punching your boss in the face. I think just about everyone has been in those places but the majority of people don't make those fantasies come true.

        Eagerly awaiting the sexy conclusion to that reluctance in your book! :P

        • A Eve on 2016-02-22 20:20:30 (UTC)

          haha oh it's coming...so to speak :D

  • Jandrusel on 2016-02-21 21:55:44 (UTC)

    Judging by what I've seen on the Internet, I'm really amazed by the amount of women that get a kick out of the rape fantasy. Proof that there's something for everyone out there. I don't see nothing wrong with it as long as it stays in the realm of fantasies. My guess is that these women get turned on by the thought of being totally helpless and dominated. I can understand that. I personally enjoy when a woman is more active and takes control in the bedroom. So there's that.

    However, I can't share this fantasy. Too violent and controlling for me. I can't even enjoy 'rough sex' in porn, even if it's becoming a trend now. I'm too gentle for that kind of stuff. And the more I listen to your audios, the more I realize that's the kind of sex I really want and like. But as I said, that's only me. As long as no one gets hurt, 'rape' can be an exciting fantasy.

    Another lovely discussion, Eve. Hope you're feeling better 😊

    • A Eve on 2016-02-22 10:44:49 (UTC)

      Thank you, I am!

      It's perfectly okay to not be into this fantasy too. Be gentle, that's lovely as well ❤️

  • OmnisiahsAcolyte on 2016-02-21 20:02:03 (UTC)

    Another great episode! You brought up a ton of really interesting points in this UtC Eve.

    I personally have never had much of a Rape Fantasy, I could never really get into the harshness of it all and that's probably a result of both my upbringing and being a gentle soul all around. But I have had talks with a good and long time friend of mine who has had such fantasies.

    For him it was a very very guilty pleasure. He never felt such desires or fantasies throughout his daily life and would never think of actually forcing himself on someone. But it seemed to him that whenever lust started filling his mind, he changed for lack of a better term, he told me that he'd usually start with what I suppose one would call normal pornography. Just a man and a woman having sex yet as he watched more and more something switched within him and he always seemed to drift more towards hardcore and rape themed videos.

    He told me that the very moment he orgasmed he was overwhelmed with incredible shame and guilt towards himself. The reason he'd been talking to me about it in the first place was because he had been feeling suicidal over the matter and desperately needed someone to talk to. He was dreadfully fearful of going to a therapist to discuss the matter as he feared he'd be put on a watchlist or worse. After talking and sharing a few well deserved bro hugouts I eventually set him up with a therapist who dealt with cases like his and he's told me it's been wonderful.

    I don't know about most other lads out there with rape fantasies but in my friends case it seemed like something he felt he couldn't control which terrified him greatly. And since he felt it was out of his control whenever he got horny he never really made contact with women because he was scared that if it ever came down to sex he'd lose it and ruin both his and his partners lives.

    What i'd tell most guys who feel the same way about this is don't just bottle it up and repress it. Find a close friend to talk about it with. If they are truly your friend they will listen and will try to help you out the best they can. Venting it out there with someone can really help.


    Again great episode Eve, thanks a million for doing these I really do quite enjoy them. And thank god for Spring fast approaching! It's been a wonderful 70 degrees around where I live recently and I hope it stays this way.

    • A Eve on 2016-02-22 10:46:16 (UTC)

      Wow, thank you for sharing that. I'm so glad you were able to help him, and it's very powerful to read about someone's real inner turmoil with this. Like I said, it's no surprise to me that men don't admit to these fantasies - doing so to the wrong person could have serious consequences.

      I'm glad your friend found someone who understands. Maybe send him this audio :D