Eve's Guide for Regular Guys: Episode 16 - Change part 16/

31:20 Eve's Guide For Regular Guys Jan 14, 2018 38 comments 4102 1234

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Change...

Nothing is as exciting and terrifying at the same time...

We know change is good for us, but we're terrified to do it. I'm no different, but I have been able to make some significant changes in my life (going vegetarian, moving to a different country to name but two), and so I know it can be rewarding when you do.

These are just some thoughts on change, why it's good for us, and 5 points to consider if you're contemplating a change.

Links

The Sunk Cost Fallacy

Keeping Your Brain Sharp

Reasons to embrace change

Comfort Zone


Other audios in series Eve's Guide for Regular Guys

Comments

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  • Tractorman1 on 2018-01-31 23:54:24 (UTC)

    Eve, you will know me through our little exchange of emails (K.... N.....). I particularly enjoy your non-erotic recordings but I thought long and hard before posting this. I want to contribute a little something about my own experience of change. For years, my parents knew, my sister knew and my friends knew that I was........gay? No, not that. They knew I was incredibly unhappy in my marriage. In a nutshell, it took me the best part of a decade to leave, to live by myself in a flat, as I couldn't, until then, bear to turn my back on my daughter who was popular with her friends and definitely enjoyed life in spite of having a generally quiet disposition. That was twelve years ago, during which time she has always refused to forgive me for leaving her mother and routinely rebuffed my invitations to meet up and spend time with her. My daughter married four years later and neither my parents nor I were invited to the ceremony. You've only got my word that I was a good dad to her, of course, but nobody ever told me otherwise and my parents were loving grandparents to her, that's for sure. I'm a grandfather to a boy aged 15 months who I've never seen, despite my living just a couple of miles away from my daughter's home. Without going into detail, my life - situation with my daughter apart - is a happy one now and I'm glad I did what I did. I'm far from heartless but have had to move on believing it's best to assume she'll never want me in her life again. There's no self pity on my part. I've just explained what happened once I realised a change had to be made.

    • A Eve on 2018-02-01 15:03:33 (UTC)

      I know what a difficult situation that can be - don't assume your daughter will never want you in her life again. Perhaps if she herself ends up divorced (hopefully not, but if she does), she might come to see that you're not the villain for leaving an unhappy marriage. I'm glad you took the chance to make yourself happy - staying in a bad situation for the sake of others is never a good idea.

  • Abus on 2018-01-18 19:17:06 (UTC) (edited)

    That sounds a lot like the critical psychology to me, how we create and recreate society as individuals and how the man made society effects us as individuals within the society. Whenever there is a psychological issue for an individual, then the critical psychology not only sees the necessity to change the person, but also the necessity to change the conditions given by society and the environment (fight the system). The fundamental essence of this theory is, that every person acts for a good reason. Every action, no matter how irrational it may seem, makes perfect sense for the individual person within the respective situation. That person needs to become aware of his reasons for action in order to change in a way that is positive for him/her.

    • A Eve on 2018-01-25 14:04:04 (UTC)

      I haven't studied a great deal of psychology and I haven't heard of this theory, but I can certainly agree with the idea of each individual understanding the reason for change and doing so only if it's positive for them.

      • Abus on 2018-01-28 00:07:58 (UTC)

        You got the essence right, even without studying psychology ;) This is valuable content here! On this platform you may reach out to people who haven't sufficient social resources to consult with their problems. If they had, the best advice would be to speak to other people, in order to take as many viewpoints as possible into account when they have a problem and feel the need for change. And you must never forget, that there are professionals who can help and who can be consulted as well. We don't have social workers, psychologists and social pedagogues for nothing. This is a fact, that people tend to forget way too often! I know that this is not the main focus of your show, but if you talk about topics like that in "Eve's Guide for Regular Guys", you should definitely refer to that. You said it yourself. More often than not, the people who reject change the most are those who feel miserable already. And helping in this kind of life situation is exactly what those professions I mentioned previously are there for. Amongst other things, of course

        • A Eve on 2018-01-29 21:44:30 (UTC)

          I absolutely agree, and I often do counsel people to get some professional help. It's been my experience that too many people are simply unwilling to go that route, for various reasons of their own. Not the least of which is that they tend to believe they can't be helped. It's a real shame, because so many disorders and problems can be really effectively treated by a combination of CBT (not cock and ball torture, I just realized that has the same acronym) Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and/or short term medications. But getting people to overcome their reticence to talk to someone is a huge hurdle, one I wish I knew how to help people overcome.

  • SamuelXD on 2018-01-17 15:08:00 (UTC)

    Change is inevitable. The reason I'm scared of change is because of the uncertainty, but I feel that's part of the ride; diving into the unknown. It could be the best decision ever made or the worst. We've all had to make changes at some point in our lives, whether they were positive or negative doesn't really matter, we became better people because of them.

    • A Eve on 2018-01-25 14:02:45 (UTC)

      Yes, absolutely. Some people find even their worst decisions were somehow valuable, for life lessons or for other opportunities.

  • joetinla1967 on 2018-01-15 18:53:01 (UTC)

    Hello Miss Eve, I just have to say that this episode hit very close to home for me, I try to step out of my comfort zone as often as I can but there's a couple things that I've been very hesitant on changing in my life, I'm slowly working towards that and you're absolutely right when you get comfortable and or complacent with something even if it's bad, toxic or unhealthy as in my case you hesitate in making that change. As for me, it's time to step up and make this change.

    • CharlieRomeoLima on 2018-01-16 03:07:21 (UTC)

      You most definitely challenge the boundaries of your comfort zone Joe! Learning to pilot a helicopter, and that heart you posted on Instagram today - I'd be too squeamish to handle that (I buy bok choi and fuzzy melons from Chinese grocers sometimes and I see pork/beef hearts at the butcher section and it's eerie how similar they look to our own).

      • A Eve on 2018-01-16 14:34:39 (UTC)

        When I first went vegetarian I had to do some EMS training with a pig heart - it was a very difficult day

    • A Eve on 2018-01-16 00:45:15 (UTC)

      I'm really glad to hear it, Joe! I know sometimes, too, when you feel the heavy weight of responsibility for your kids or even just paying the bills, it can be just too daunting to make changes. That's why I think starting small is so helpful. I'm very proud of the changes I see in your photo lab pictures on Instagram :P

  • Georgio36 on 2018-01-15 18:28:18 (UTC) (edited)

    Eve such a very interesting yet informative dialogue you presented us with. I really do appreciate your insight on this subject as it's not an easy one to tackle. My thoughts on this big effect called change is that sometimes in life you have no choice but to change or at least adapt to the new & unpredictable things life throw your way.

    I know i been scared of change i think mainly with friends & love ones. I appreciate the advice you recently gave me on that. Recently i tried a lot of things i never thought i would. Like new foods such as sushi, joining new social things. Which has allowed me to meet new people. I actually talked about considering moving to another state like 3 hours or so from Louisiana just so i can find a good job cuz the job market here is just not working for me as no one is calling me for an interview despite all the applications i put in.

    I Have been helping people with YouTube stuff & that helps. Im a Moderator on there. So change can be a great thing as long as you do it for you. If you have bad habits that you know people dont like; try to work on it. Also guys don't change everything just so a girl will like you. Cuz even then, she still May not pay attention to you. Do it for YOU. I realise if i wasn't me, i wouldn't have the people that care about me now in my life. Im open to change if the rewards are worth the risk. I like to call it a calculated risk lol 😁. Thanks again Eve & enjoy your day 🌺

    • A Eve on 2018-01-16 00:43:53 (UTC)

      I'm really glad you said that about changing for a girl, I only mentioned that briefly when I said don't change for someone else, but it's important to add that a lot of people change to please a new partner, or to attract that partner's attention. It's never a good idea.

      And best of luck with the job search!

    • Georgio36 on 2018-01-15 18:31:38 (UTC)

      Ohh the only reason i said 3 hours away cuz that's Texas & also cuz of my grandma. She may need my help for something & at least i can make that 3 hour drive after work or on the weekends to help her out as well as see my Mom 👍..just wanted to clarify on my first comment

  • AreYouCurious on 2018-01-15 07:14:36 (UTC)

    Since I left High School two years ago, I am scared of change, and I was in need for advices on this subject. Oddly, when this came out, I was really scared to actually listen until the end of the audio, even if it was what I had been looking for. Now that it is done, I am glad I heard you. . You raise some particularly relevant points that shows how to address the issue. It was not painless to hear you say out loud what needs to be done. But it was a necessary evil.

    I thank you from the bottom of my heart for these helpful guidelines.

    Oh, and I really appreciate that all of your audios are understandable even for non native speakers like me. So, again... Merci beaucoup

    • A Eve on 2018-01-16 00:42:29 (UTC)

      I'm very glad you took the chance and listened to it, I know how scary it can be to face some subjects, especially about ourselves.

      Et de rien mon cher...et merci! 💋

    • Georgio36 on 2018-01-16 00:22:50 (UTC) (edited)

      I wish we could give likes or 💓 on people's comments here cuz you deserve one 😊. I know change is difficult especially if you are young. I think the fact that you are here acknowledging that you need it; shows great courage & a willingness to grow on your part already.

      My advice is to take things slowly & one at a time. Don't feel pressured to do it if it's an area of your life that you are ok with. Change is what you want for yourself. Focus on things that bother you & work slowly at them. As you get older; you'll get a better understanding on how life works. Stay strong & have faith in yourself 🌟

      • AreYouCurious on 2018-01-16 03:09:24 (UTC)

        I really appreciate your support, it means a lot. You filled my heart with a modest but confortable confidence. Thank you

      • A Eve on 2018-01-16 00:41:33 (UTC)

        Thanks for being so supportive Geo! I agree with everything you said!

        • Georgio36 on 2018-01-17 07:35:31 (UTC)

          You are very welcome Eve! It's the least i could do 😊. Hang in there @AreYouCurious 💫

  • ShadowMoon on 2018-01-15 04:20:21 (UTC)

    Can you control change? I'm curious to know your answer. A change can be as simple as getting a haircut with very little risk of failure, but it seems the more dramatic the change, the harder it is to guarantee the outcome. The more variables there are in the equation, the more chances there are that the answer could not be the one you wanted. For me, at least, I think that you can direct change up to a point, but beyond that, you have to let the change happen as it will. You have to accept that change may not happen in the time of your choosing or provide you the answer that you wanted, but it will always leave you a different person than when you started.

    A few years ago, I decided to make a dramatic change in my life. I was going to lose weight and get healthy. However, I'll admit that I did it for all of the wrong reasons. When I started, I had the goal in mind that I wanted to be best physical man that I could be, that no one would be able to turn away from. I wasn't doing it for me but for how I wanted people to perceive me. It drove me forward, though, and over the period of a year, I managed to lose 95 lbs. I felt on top of the world, like I could take anything that life could dish. But then...people started turning away, and soon my success started to feel like a failure. Hadn't I done enough to change?

    It took me a while to recover from that feeling, but I started to accept that even if I didn't get the exact result that I wanted, I made a positive change in my life and an achievement I could be proud of. I discovered that I love to run, music blasting in my ears, chest pounding, and feeling that my feet would carry anywhere in the world if I didn't tell them to stop. I also discovered that I was more willing to take on new challenges and accepting of change however it comes into my life.

    I guess the point that I'm trying to get across is that however it happens, the change will occur, but you have to let it and be willing to see it for the good it is. As the wise, curly haired beauty put it, "Trust the process." :)

    • CharlieRomeoLima on 2018-01-16 03:26:05 (UTC)

      My family has a history of diabetes and that's what got me started on my own weight loss journey. From the start I thought of it as a long game, as in "Where do I want to be when I'm 50? Do I want a healthy waistline and BMI range or do I want to be prehypertensive and insulin-resistant?" Starting to run regularly was my opportunity to change my future, as much as anyone can control that.

      Congratulations on your weight loss achievement - it feels easier when it's a beneficial side effect of integrating good habits into your routine, as opposed to a string of see-saw battles against that needle on the scale. What I love about running is the low barrier to entry - just a good pair of running shoes and technical socks and away you go! I started with power walking before moving up to jogs. Because I'm a lot more mindful of my Morton's toe and how it affects my gait (2nd metatarsal takes the brunt of my footstrike instead of big toe), I'm definitely factoring that into my next running shoe acquisition.

      • ShadowMoon on 2018-01-17 03:19:23 (UTC)

        It is amazing how much added benefit there is to some exercise and weight loss. I was diagnosed with hypertension before I started (everyone in my family has it), and after the weight loss, I was actually able to stop taking medication. My weight loss even inspired my Dad to get healthier and probably saved him from becoming diabetic likes his parents and his brother before him. Just a little stone of change can make far reaching ripples in the pond.

        I agree that running is probably the easiest to break into. It's important to learn to pace yourself, set a time or a distance goal, and adjust the difficulty once you've passed your first goal. It can be really easy to run too far and too fast to leave you exhausted and far from home. Regarding the running shoe, have you looked at the barefoot runners? They are designed to change your running style so you land on the ball of the foot instead of the heel as well as thw lift off. The change might make it easier for a Mortie's gait. Good luck on your next run! Maybe see you out there one day!

      • A Eve on 2018-01-16 14:36:41 (UTC)

    • A Eve on 2018-01-16 00:41:01 (UTC)

      very insightful comment, and congratulations on such an amazing accomplishment, losing weight is one of the hardest things there is.You should definitely be proud!

      • ShadowMoon on 2018-01-17 03:39:02 (UTC)

        Thank you very much, Eve. I wish this audio series had been around when I started. It would have helped prepare me mentally and reinforce the right reasons for making this kind of change in my life. I'm in the midst of a mental change right now that I'm slowly but surely working through. Damn if it doesn't seem harder than the days of raw vegetables and 3 hour daily routines. Your series has been helping be a positive voice through this second change, and I'm sure that my life will be forever changed for the better. I consider this essential curriculum for any male, and I'm going to share it with all of those I know. Thank you for continuing to do this and for being the male positive and sex positive voice that I needed to hear in my life.

        • A Eve on 2018-01-25 14:01:47 (UTC)

          Wow, thank you so much! I'm glad to know I'm helping 💋

    • Georgio36 on 2018-01-16 00:25:50 (UTC)

      Exactly! Shadow Moon, i think you are heading in the right direction man 👍😊

      • ShadowMoon on 2018-01-17 03:49:05 (UTC)

        Thanks, Geo! Can I call you Geo? It looks like you reached that wisdom that I learned the hard way. Good for you! About the job search, don't be discouraged if there are fewer job opportunities. I was in the same boat this time last year, and lots of employers have hiring freezes at the end of the year. As companies settle in to 2018 and take stock of what they do and don't have, you should see more and more postings popping up. Stay vigilant and good luck!

  • stormmuse on 2018-01-15 00:23:17 (UTC)

    Poignant as always, Eve.

    I particularly found the "sunken cost" bit interesting, as that spoke very pointedly to my situation with the end of my marriage. It was very difficult to come to terms with what felt like stolen/wasted time.

    I found it funny that you mentioned cooking and guitar, as I'm waiting on my first guitar to arrive and have looked at several local cooking classes. I reached a point where I decided I had wanted to learn for long enough and just needed to go ahead and do it.

    I think this series is indeed one of your master works, milady. I am grateful for the insights and advice that have helped me through a period of self-reflection.

    • A Eve on 2018-01-16 00:40:12 (UTC)

      good for you, I'm glad to hear you're getting out there and doing these things!

      And thank you for listening, I'm honoured to be able to help xox

  • CharlieRomeoLima on 2018-01-14 21:35:46 (UTC)

    Like a bobblehead, I was nodding at each point you got across in this thirty-minute wisdom. When you speak of change, about both our draw and our resistance to it, you tap into a knowledge that is visceral, that most of us harbour deep down in our bones and, once we burn away the excuses, cannot refute. Speaking of bones, there's also the adage that 'only the dead are unchanging'. In every fictional universe I have read or explored in a game that juxtaposed mortal humans and immortals, e.g. elves/gods, the humans were always the drivers of change in the relatively short span of their limited lives, with the result that their societies were more dynamic, more adaptive, more successful overall, more alive.

    Your observation about how dissatisfied people aren't motivated to change to improve their lot, I wonder if this is related to the theory of 'learned helplessness', the idea that they won't change because they perceive a lack of control over the negative stimulus in their lives, which then depresses their capacity to change. I, and innumerable other jobseekers I'm sure, have felt something like this when what feels like our 150th job application is met with nothing but unrelenting silence. A sense of futility sets in that drains us of the motivation to draft yet another cover letter for that next job posting that, with lottery-like odds, just might lead to a callback for interview.

    Great link to the article on the sunken cost fallacy. It's enlightening to understand why I've stuck with a T.V. show, game, or book franchise that had long ago lost its lustre - that determination to see something in which I've invested time, money, and, emotions in 'to the bitter end.' Thank you, Eve, this was a top-notch investment of my time, and as always a most worthy addition to your Guide. 🏵🏵🏵

    • A Eve on 2018-01-16 00:39:32 (UTC)

      Thank you Charlie! I am so picturing you as a bobble head right now, just so you know :P

  • Outlaw on 2018-01-14 20:53:09 (UTC)

    Its as though you somehow knew some of your fans might be feeling a little lost this afternoon... Thanks for this amazing series!

    • A Eve on 2018-01-16 00:38:56 (UTC)

      You're very welcome, thank you for listening! I hope you aren't feeling too lost though :(

      • Outlaw on 2018-01-16 11:31:24 (UTC)

        As far as sundays go, not too lost, it is often my day of introspection but it can sweep me off my feet sometimes so call this a successful rescue. :)